Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
You Might Also Like
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I beg your pardon?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda