I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
You Might Also Like
I cannot call her anything else now
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
We all have our pet causes.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”