HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
😎 🍻
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh