I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.