<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
You Might Also Like
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief