I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.