Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Good news
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.