Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling