One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?