90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Life hack
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*