Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo