i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Yup.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy