[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
You Might Also Like
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Only short people can save us
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.