My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.