I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
May never get over this