How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Grandmother clock.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
This will teach them to underestimate me
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af