Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
You Might Also Like
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
#ProTip
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now