“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Room with a view.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.