If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
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Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?