“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
an octopus is just a wet spider
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I love art.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this