When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag