have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
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Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Good advice.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Chemical wingman
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer