As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms