Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
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*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.