Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.