When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The answer is funnier than the question