I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Seems kinda suspicious
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
When news reporters do sports stories
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
This bar smells like my childhood.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable