You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
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What in the hell is “disposable income”?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?