Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?