added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
this has to be peak English
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?