There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat