Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
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Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*