Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
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I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me irl
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.