Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
April 1st is the class clown of days.