I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them