A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“our sushi is very fresh”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008