Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like