Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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Important reminders
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.