I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.