I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.