Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Traveler’s camo
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
💻🤡
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out