You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live