[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
This made me smile…
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?