Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?