All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*