Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If I ignore life will it go away?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.