Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I feel seen
Alexa; make it look like an accident
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.