Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
You Might Also Like
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Teach your children to beatbox
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Welcome
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.