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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet