The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?